Feeling the breakthrough

 I had COVID a few weeks ago. My children too. It was so rough and I have not felt rested since. It's been a month or so now. I wake up before everyone and have my morning routine, which I try to complete before the children wake up. I usually do not have time to do everything that I want to and need to do. And now, it seems that I need to add a few more changes to my already struggling morning routine.

For at least five years, I've barely rested. I would stay up as late as I could before crashing. This resulting in sleeping just long enough to function with small children. There were many other unhealthy habits associated with this lifestyle, but in the process, I formed bonds with at least one friend. This person, I haven't spent time with, in at least a month- because I am SO tired. And it makes me so sad.

Add into this, I have begun homeschooling my Kindergartner. He does his work and does well, but, after classes, he gravitates toward device time. Device time is a struggle for my family. I have to find another way to make this better.

I'm so tired. I can't get up. I don't want to get up. Unless it's like 2-3am. Then the darkness of the house, of the room, it triggers the darkness within me and I feel attacked.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being stuck. And I'm working daily to push myself to be better than the last day.

I have started working on my health. Every single day I decide that I want to eat, and then, I blow it. I eat something that is going to trigger terrible eating for the rest of the day.

I have triggers. Lots of triggers. We all do.

But I'm ready for my breakthrough.

I feel it coming.

New Year, New You? Not Exactly...

 Loving someone with Alzheimer's Disease is so hard.

My precious mother, the talented and award winning artist is now living in a Memory Care unit and I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that she's gone.

I mean she's here. But she's not. And I grieve her every single day.

I worry about her passing. Is it going to feel more painful than this? For longer?

What if I get it?

It's unfair that my children have one grandparent. But at least they have my dad. They have all of them still, but the other two live far away. And there's my mom. She remembers my boys. She remembers me. But not much else.

You can talk to her, and she will try to talk back. She's still funny. She still laughs. Her sense of humor and silliness are still there. But she's- not.

The scary part is that she was my age when she was caring for BOTH of her parents who had Alzheimer's Disease. My precious grandmother passing with it in January 2010.

They told my mother she'd developed it. She got angry and didn't believe the doctor. And now we are here. Living in Memory Care at 66 years old.

My father divorced my mother Christmas of 2022. She was placed in Memory Care the next year.

Now, I am pained with the task of going through a lifetime of memories, of papers, of hoarding, of... craziness. I'm looking for special things, like my grandmother's necklace. I have finally found my mother's wedding rings. 

The pain is so intense that I avoid it. I don't see her as much as I want to (once a week, but I need to go at least 3 times). I struggle going to that house. It's hard. My dad is very disgusting and I am cleaning up after him (like a child) along with the mess/hysteria that she left in her confusion. Unfortunately, the cleaning part takes most of the time, and I make little progress. Then I hear it again how I need to work more. He doesn't do anything.

The men in my life, do little on their own. I literally have to tell them what to do. Even to bathe. It's....unbelievable.

Compound this with, homeschooling a child, managing a household, managing the budget, finances, goals- all that- alone. (Did I mention I can't do math nor remember what I have said half the time.) My husband works and is in school and I guess that takes up all of his brain power.

My marriage is- a legal binding at this point and a ruse to my children.

I have found myself emotionally unavailable to everyone except my children and my mom.

I'm a medical cannabis user due to a traumatic brain injury. It helps, but I have turned into a closet pothead.

Five years ago, I watched my beloved step daughter pass away of cancer at 14, months after I gave birth to my youngest son.

Who really cares... I mean my point is that...I'm carrying all this in my heart (and more) every day. 

I want my mother, and I feel guilty saying this because she's still here. Many of my friends have already lost their mothers, at much younger ages.

In many ways, this is much harder than cancer. At least with cancer, they try to prepare you. In my case, they tried to explain that we were losing her, even if they treated it. I am so grateful they had her make that choice, although, I'm not sure it was the best choice. But, it wasn't mine to make THANK GOD. I couldn't carry that too.

With Dementia, you just don't know.

Is she transitioning? Who knows? No one will say anyway. 

All I know is, they can't get her to bathe. She's sleeping nearly every time I come see her now. And- I'm broken.

It's difficult for me to organize my thoughts (thanks TBI). It's even worse when I'm not on the THC. I have no idea how to process any of this, and despite being in counseling for a while now, his head still spins. We literally get no where. 

• Should I work on my self esteem?
• Grief?
• Marriage?
• FOA?
• My children and parenting skills?
• Spiritual walk?
• Financial struggles?
• Anxiety?
• Boundaries?
• My health?
• Living with my brain injury
• Living with Alzheimer's- this is probably the most valuable experience my counselor has to offer me.

Oh and let's not even go into my other step daughter. That situation in itself is- convoluted and painful.

I feel emotionally maxed out. I'm trying and I'm functioning, which is way more than I can say for the better part of the past 5 years.

Truth is, these are all areas I want to improve, and I feel like I am improving in many ways.

Lately, I find myself saying, "I am so tired of being sad." But it's my default emotion, at this point.

I am trying to change that.

I'm the Matriarch now. I have to.

The pressure is real and so is the heartbreak.